


Connection to a Certain Monster

by booksindalibrary



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: (maybe), Angst with a Happy Ending, Asano Gakushu & Isogai Yuuna, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Gakushu has become my assclass punching bag, Gen, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, but that's sorta uhh. minor? ig? you'll see, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 19:36:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13418214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksindalibrary/pseuds/booksindalibrary
Summary: Gakushu couldn't stand his home. He hated sitting at the table in silence, back straight and staring at the wall, avoiding all contact with his father. He hated the way his father prepared him for the upcoming day -do this, do that, don't fuck this up for us.But most of all? He hated his father's existence.





	Connection to a Certain Monster

Gakushu couldn't stand his home. He hated sitting at the table in silence, back straight and staring at the wall, avoiding all contact with his father. He hated the way his father prepared him for the upcoming day - _do this, do that, don't fuck this up for us._

But most of all? He hated his father's existence.

_Monster, monster, monster._ Gakuho was losing all human form in his eyes, melting into black and into darkness and into pain and so much misery-

_Blood on the walls and the yelling, begging, stop it, stop it, stop-_

Gakushu released the death grip on his chopsticks, setting them down.

"May I be excused?"

Gakuho barely looked at him. "You may."

"Thanks for the meal." Gakushu stood, ignoring the bloodstains-

_Three minutes of pure violence, effortlessly wounding-_

Gakushu stared at himself in the mirror, tightening the tie around his neck. His hands dropped, head turned to stare at the door. Hands in fists, eyes wide and watching, waiting for _him_ to show up.

...Nothing. He turned back towards the mirror, studying himself with cold eyes.

_Curled up on the ground, staring up at his father in fear. But you asked for it, was the silent answer to the student's pleas. You're the one who went against me and my word._

_It's not their fault, Gakushu wanted to say, to break this moment and divert the monster's attention. Not their fault, it was his, it was his it was his-_

"The car's leaving," Gakuho called.

Startled, Gakushu froze for a moment. He forced himself to breathe, picking up his bag. They always left at least an hour before the actual start of school.

_Stupid,_ he thought to himself as he walked down the stairs. Didn't the monster say he wanted to be better as a teacher and a father? Didn't he talk about good will and say pretty words about how he was sorry?

...He never did say that, Gakushu told himself. He said the first part, yes, but no words about good will and no apologies.

_Because monsters don't change,_ a cruel voice told him.

Gakushu demanded silence in his mind. Fuck this; this constant fear and the nightmares and the flashbacks, the way he couldn't get close to anyone around him.

His monster of a father had changed. His home was less like a classroom and more...like a home, he guessed. He wasn't stuck to a regime any more, his days weren't timetabled so strictly. Hell, he'd been told that he could do whatever he wanted on Sundays.

(Which he spent studying and working out, because his mind won't let him sleep.)

Gakuho, for once, wasn't doing work in the car. Gakushu wasn't either, staring out the window.

"You haven't been sleeping well," the monster - _no, no, his father_ \- said.

Gakushu looked at him, swallowing down the urge to punch him. "I've been sleeping just fine."

"Then what are you doing at 3AM?"

Fuck, his father had heard him? Gakushu met his eyes evenly, refusing to show any change. "I was getting ready for bed," he lied.

Gakuho scrutinised him, seeing through the lie. "If you don't get adequate sleep, you won't be able to study as efficiently."

_Bastard, bastard, bastard,_ Gakushu cursed him. _Damn you and your hypocrisy; just a few months ago you barely gave me any breathing room._

"Gakushu," and when the monster said his name Gakushu wanted to slap him. Wanted to kill and kill and kill. Why did he have to deal with this monster?

Gakushu waited for Gakuho to say something more. He's never said his name for no reason.

"...Don't make plans for Saturday."

Gakushu didn't make plans as a rule, in case Gakuho pulled shit like this.

( _Liar,_ he told himself, somewhat sadly. _You don't make friends because you're so fucking terrified they'll be beaten and bloodied and brought to their knees; you're afraid they'll run away from_ _ **you.**_ )

"Have you made plans?" Halfway to school now, and the car was moving along nicely. If Gakuho was planning on father-son bonding, Gakushu would dive out of the car screaming bloody murder.

The barrier between them and the driver would be enough to mute the sounds, so this conversation wasn't leaving the car. Hopefully, anyway.

"For you, I have," Gakuho said blankly.

_Only for him?_ Gakushu narrowed his eyes at his father, the monster. "Me?" _What is it?_ was the silent question that hung in the air.

"An appointment," Gakuho said. "I think you need it."

_His eyes were burning from staring but if he didn't stare, he'd miss the quick actions the monster made. He didn't flinch as blood splattered the walls-_

_Bile rising in his throat and a scream surging up-_

_He wished he wasn't alive to witness this-_

“An appointment for what?” Gakushu asked over the sound of his silent apologies to those victims.

A pause, Gakuho's eyes a little too dim for Gakushu's liking. “To see a psychologist.”

Gakushu waited for the punchline. When none was forthcoming, Gakushu tried to channel all his _hatred_ and _anger_ and _disgust_ at this monster.

“Why the _fuck-_ ” He cut himself off, realising his language had slipped. _Oh no,_ was all he could think as waves of guilt came crashing down.

His limbs collapsed and his vision narrowed and the want to _die_ and be left behind swallowed him up, cocooning him, and-

An arm lashed out blindly, batting away Gakuho's. Why his father thought it was necessary to try and comfort him was beyond him; he'd never done anything like that.

“Don't touch me,” Gakushu spat out, and then came the shame. The shame of even breathing oxygen in-

_Blood dripping down and staining everywhere, how the **fuck**_ _could a man look so calm as he beat mere boys into the ground-?_

The monster's cold eyes were watching him, and he tapped on the screen. The driver flicked a look, seeing Gakuho gesturing for them to pull over. When the car pulled came a stop, engine idling, Gakuho breathed out.

“I doubt you'd want the other students to see you like this,” Gakuho said.

_He sounded like he cared, the creep_. Gakushu whispered those words to himself, barely a hiss.

“A few nights ago you said you had no idea what you wanted to do.” Gakuho's eyes were on him again, peeling away Gakushu's skin.

“But as I recall – didn't you want to see me cry and at your mercy? Where did that fire go?”

...Ah, so this was that was about. Indeed, a few nights ago he had said that over dinner. He'd been out of it, unable to sleep or concentrate fully on his work, and the _memories_ had been flooding into his brain non-stop. He'd said the first thing that came to mind.

Not really, he corrected himself. The first that had come to mind was tombstone of his own grave. Because yeah, as he was right now, dying would be the only way to repent.

“Do you seriously think I need that sort of shit?” Gakushu said, hearing himself with a sense of disbelief. “I don't want to see some shrink that'll tell me it's all in my head-”

Gakushu made the mistake of looking at his father's hands, and remembered how they _had been covered in blood that wasn't his to spill-_

“You're always on guard around me,” Gakuho noted. “What did you mean, they'll tell you it's 'all in your head'?”

Dammit, the monster was in full teacher mode. That made it harder to _not_ answer.

“No one's going to say that,” Gakuho said, and Gakushu felt a small part of him collapse. A pause as he looked away, staring at the back of the seat in front of him. He uncurled his body – since when he had been hunched over the seat, shrinking away from his father? - and tried to sit normally. His exhaustion was catching up to him as he slipped in and out of sleep, wanting to fade away.

“ _Sorry...”_

_My fault my fault my fault-_

“Why did you.”

Gakuho looked sharply at Gakushu. “What is it?”

“Why did you go that far?” His voice sounded so hollow, so indistinct. “You made your point, you monster, so why the _fuck_ did you feel the need to do _that_ to them?”

All these emotions rioting within him, and he just wanted them to _leave._

“What event are you talking about?” Gakuho asked. The fact he needed to ask only showed Gakushu that he really, truly, was a monster.

“Those exchange students...”

Gakushu could practically hear the pieces fall into place, could almost taste the scorn rolling off of the monster-

“They're in good health,” Gakuho said, and fuck if he didn't sound humble. “I checked in on them.”

_Checked in on them._ Did he pay them for their silence?

“Did you want to speak that one that defended you?”

“No.”The desperate apologies wouldn't leave his mind. “I'm...”

“I'm not looking down on you,” Gakuho said quietly. “I meant it when I said I wanted to be a better father.”

_It's all an act,_ he was screaming at himself, barely able to stifle the words. But he managed, and he grabbed his bag, flinging open the car door.

“I don't need help,” Gakushu said, feeling himself detach from his emotions and the world around him.

(He didn't need it. He did not _need it.)_

* * *

Gakushu still had fifteen minutes before the start of school, and he chose to spend that time sitting on a park bench, wondering if anyone in 3-A gave a shit about him, or if they were only concerned with his status and wealth.

Who was he kidding? Of course they were only worried about his status and his wealth – and his connection to a certain monster.

A deep breath in, and he tilted his head back, studying the sky.

“Ah, Asano,” a familiar voice, sounding mildly surprised. Gakushu looked in the direction of the speaker.

“...Isogai-kun.” Gakushu couldn't muster the energy to turn him away, so Isogai came closer, stopping a few feet away.

“Are you feeling all right? You look pale.” Paler than usual, he probably meant. Gakushu never looked to be in the best of health.

“I'm fine,” he replied curtly.

“Are you sure?” Isogai took a step closer. “I can get help if you want-”

“Other people can't help,” Gakushu snapped. _What did **he** know about the blood and the splattering and the sound of knuckles on flesh-_

“It's not weakness to receive help,” Isogai said, and Gakushu hated how reasonable he sounded. He glared at the 3-E counterpart for a moment, before sighing.

“Father's being...himself,” Gakushu said, not quite knowing exactly what he meant. Isogai tensed.

“Does that-”

“It doesn't affect your class.” Gakushu fixed his position so he looked alert and in charge. “I'll deal with it myself.”

“...Do you need someone to talk it over with? I can keep secrets too.”

“Well clearly, if no one else has found out about a certain _thing.”_ His part time job, Gakushu meant.

Isogai looked sheepish. “Um, y'know...I've stopped that now.”

“Good.” Gakushu stood, brushing off his trousers and picking up his bag. “I'm going to see a doctor,” he said, seeing no reason to specify what sort.

Isogai looked alarmed. “You're ill?!”

“In a manner of speaking.” It's not like he could mention the invading memories, his near-constant vigilance and the constant guilt and shame without sounding like he was crazy. “Father picked up on it, anyway, and now I'm being forced to go.” There was no way he could avoid it without doing something drastic.

(Which would only reinforce the 'need' to see one.)

“You should go.” Isogai sounded firm. Gakushu eyed him cautiously.

“If I do, it might become a regular thing. That interferes with a lot of things.”

“You can afford to, though. In both money and academics. Besides – you said _might._ So it might _not_ as well, yeah?” Isogai was sounding optimistic.

“There's nothing wrong with me,” Gakushu said flatly.

“So where's the harm in going once?” Isogai stopped walking. Gakushu stopped to look back at him, wondering why he'd paused. “But you still have to go if they say there's something wrong,” Isogai said earnestly.

“Naturally,” Gakushu replied. “I can't let something like this keep me away from the top.”

Isogai nodded. “Then good luck.”

Gakushu inclined his head, lengthening his paces. “I'll be going ahead,” he said dismissively.

“Yeah, see you,” Isogai called out, and Gakushu lifted his free hand in acknowledgement.

_(Maybe eventually the bloodstains will be washed away-)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is a venting fic bc uhh my mind is wreck rn and like, I decided to vent via gakushu c:
> 
> also: this is in retaliation at several 'abuse' fics surrounding gakushu (they were older, the ones I read) bc I figured there's enough canon fodder to go on. ya don't have to come up w/ some AU where gakushu's the victim of physical abuse - I mean? emotional and mental abuse is just as damaging? not to mention, if you want to write smth ptsd related, ya don't have to go to v v v extreme. it doesn't work like that ffs
> 
> in any case, the scene in canon where he sees the foreign exchange students being beaten by gakuho (ep 27, iirc) was p fckn brutal and I figured, hey I wanna vent, why not do a fic abt this?
> 
> I'm going on a bit now and I'm probs gonna get rid of this mssg. it's like 1am and I'm making bad decisions kekekek  
> (the fic will stay tho, probs)


End file.
